I can’t remember the last time I felt something I could truly class as “depression”; whenever it was, it was a long time ago. But I began to feel it yesterday, and can’t yet shake it.
On Friday night I went out with a girl I hadn’t seen in twelve years, not since we left primary school. She messaged me out of the blue on Facebook, and after exchanging some messages, we teed up a meeting for Friday night; we, along with a few others, met up at a pub near where we both live, and soon thereafter the six of us repaired to her place for dinner and drinks. Suffice it to say that I didn’t get home until one in the afternoon the next day; it was a fantastic night, and it was great to catch up with her again.
The weird and disturbing thing is how depressed I began feeling when I got home. Not sad, not angry, not upset; just drained and empty, like there was a black hole inside my head sucking all of the positivity out of me. Perhaps someone who’s had clinically diagnosed depression can say whether this is it, but it sure as hell felt like it. It was a horrific feeling, and I’m still trying to work through it. Self-treatment (in the form of appropriate music) seems to be stalling it for a time, and a poker night with some friends from school and uni last night has also helped somewhat.
But the worst thing is I’m not entirely sure what precipitated this feeling. Maybe I went in with the idea of possibly developing the rekindled friendship into a relationship later on. I’ve noticed that I do seem to do that with new female friendships. I often feel like a bit of a creep because of it, too, but at this stage of my life I’m still rabidly single and rushing headlong towards the age by which I had hoped I would already be thinking about getting married, having a family, and all that. But she’s funny, smart, quick as a whip, stunningly attractive (although she doesn’t believe it - she recently also had back surgery, for exactly the same thing that I had it for, and consequently thinks she's getting fat), has a spellbinding voice (she's Irish), and I get the feeling she’s out of my league, since by comparison I’m not particularly good looking, I’m unfit (also for surgical reasons), paranoid, shy, quiet, not especially funny or quick, and full of self-doubt. I just don’t know why, if I asked her out, she’d ever be mad enough to say yes; and I also don't know how on earth I'd go about asking her out.
I feel like a lunatic. What sane person has this kind of thought process after meeting someone once?